Itachi's FoolProof Business Plan
by RaineJoybringer
Summary: Itachi hasn't got enough money for rent! His answer? Why, steal Kakashi's underpants of course! A bombshell is about to hit the fair town of Konohagakure... and nobody is safe, not even the Akatsuki themselves!
1. The Super Secret Plan

**Disclaimer: **Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and not me.

**A/N: **

**Yanagi: Uh, what are doing in the Author's notes...? **

**Kita: I believe we're helping RJ-san to introduce a crack fic... **

**Sora: Yanagi-chan, you're here! **

**Yanagi: Ack! Sora! No, get off me! **

**-insert various random sounds of beating here- **

**Sora: Yanagi-chaaan! You're so mean! -pout- **

**Kita: -sigh- Here's the fic... oh, and I recommend that if you're not exactly up to date with the latest manga, you may find some spoilers... **

**Sora: I think I need a hug. Yanagi-chan...? OW! **

* * *

* * *

**_Chapter 1: The Super Secret Plan _**

Kisame was bored... I mean, he was _really_ bored... and also slightly ill. Sasori had decided to cook breakfast for the Akatsuki that morning. Needless to say, Kisame was extremely unpleased to find out that Sasori had served up Shark Fin soup and announce it only _after_ letting everyone dig in.

"So, what do you want to do today, Itachi-san?" asked Kisame, opening up the door to his partner's study room (which just so happened to have various torture instruments littered around the floor. There were also several posters for the _Icha Icha Paradise_ movies, which slightly confused Kisame).

The blue-skinned nukenin eeped and ducked as a barrage of kunai came flying for him. The daggers buried themselves into Kisame's face... or at least a poster of it that hung behind the door (the poster sported several kunai in it already). Kisame cautiously opened the door again and peeked in.

"...Itachi-san?" whispered Kisame in a low tone.

"Quiet you imbecile," Itachi held a finger to his lips. He took his other hand off the mouthpiece of the phone. "Hello is this 'The Bag Boutique?'... Ah, good... I'd like a thousand of your finest snake-skin bags... can you deliver those to Orochimaru for me? ... Oh, I'm sure he'll be happy to pay for them... okay, thank you. Goodbye."

Itachi put the receiver down and let out a deep maniacal laugh... which turned into a momentary high-pitched giggle of delight. He swung around in his chair to face Kisame, looking serious suddenly.

"Yes, Kisame?" he asked expectantly.

"Uh, I said I was bored," replied the Shark-man.

Itachi tapped his purple fingernails on his desk. He looked down at his list of things to do today, which included:

_-Wake up... if not suffering from horrible hangover _

_-Get Sasori to serve shark fin soup for breakfast _

_-Repaint nails (Note: need more purple!) _

_-Brush hair 100 times _

_-Send 1000 snake-skin bags to Orochimaru (hahahaha)...(hahahaha) _

_-Put the fear of Uchiha in Kisame! _

_-Find money for rent :( _

The Uchiha crossed off everything but the last one. He sat in thought for a few minutes.

"Itachi-san?" asked Kisame. He was ignored. He tried again. "Itachi-san? ... Itachi-saaaan!"

Kunai once again buried themselves into Kisame's (poster) face. Kisame was on the ground, clutching his heart.

Itachi sat for a few more minutes, thinking about how he'd get this month's rent. The rent the Akatsuki was paying for use of the cave was extravagant, which was doubled since they were storing potentially planet-destroying beasts of doom in there as well. Of course, the landlady was scary enough to be considered a planet-destroying beast as well, hence why they obeyed her rental fees.

Suddenly, the Konoha defector stood up and cleared his throat. "I have a plan!" he announced. "An utterly wondrous plan!" He laughed confidently and pointed down at Kisame in an over-the-top action pose. "Are you pondering what I'm pondering, Kisame!"

"Uh, I think I am, Itachi-san," replied Kisame, scratching the back of his head. "But how are we going to get that much peanut butter in such a short amount of time?"

Itachi death-stared Kisame into submission.

* * *

**Later...**

Itachi heaved a large easel up onto a makeshift stage. He'd gotten Kisame to find everyone he could and get them to his presentation. Unfortunately, everyone only included Sasori, Deidara, Zetsu and his subordinate, Tobi. The others were nowhere to be found. Itachi suspected they had gone out for ice cream and forgotten to tell him.

"Sasori no Danna, how did we end up here, hm?" Deidara asked, turning to his partner.

There was no reply from the large scorpion-like puppet.

Deidara raised an eyebrow and rapped on the puppet's side. It was hollow. Deidara gasped and began to kick it, screaming angrily. "Sasori no Danna, how can you leave me here for this torture, hmm!"

"I found him!" yelled Kisame, pulling a rope behind him. Sasori's real body was dragged out, only wearing a towel.

Everyone stared at the puppet.

"What?" he asked. "At least I _take _showers! Zetsu doesn't even own a towel!"

Everyone stared at the man with the venus fly-trap coming out of his shoulders.

"I take my showers outside, when Tobi waters me." explained Zetsu like it was nothing strange.

"Tobi is a good boy!" said his swirl-masked subordinate.

Everyone stared and edged away, afraid of what that answer could possibly mean.

"Ahem, my presentation?" coughed Itachi after several minutes of awkward silence.

Everyone sat on the ground glad for the interruption (they were too poor to afford chairs).

"You know, I hope this isn't another crackpot scheme like Deidara's 'Gotta Catch 'Em All' plan..." grumbled Kisame.

* * *

**One flashback ago... **

"Gotta catch 'em aaaallll!"

Deidara held out a small red-and-white ball. He looked idiotic, wearing a backwards cap and posing with a V sign. A red-and-white background flashed in a display of seizure-inducement behind him.

"I like it!" clapped Orochimaru.

"Shut up, Oro-chan!" yelled Itachi.

"Is that some kind of genjutsu?" asked Zetsu.

"Why am I dressed like this!" cried Kisame, who was dressed up in a yellow t-shirt with red overalls and short jeans.

* * *

**One ended flashback later... **

"Now!" announced Itachi confidently. "Welcome to 'Itachi-sama's Super Successful Plan', guaranteed to solve all our problems!"

The silk cloth was pulled off of the easel, revealing a large, extremely colourful piece of cardboard. The cardboard had three bullet points:

_-Collect underpants _

_-? _

_-Profit! _

"Any questions?" asked Itachi, fists on hips.

Kisame raised a hand. He ducked as a barrage of shuriken flew over his head.

"Yes, you there with the stupid-looking face!" Itachi pointed.

"So, this isn't a plan on how to catch the Jinchuuriki?" he asked.

"No, not at all! However, I got this fool-proof plan from a bunch of small salesmen wearing red caps and sporting long beards. They assured me they had made millions from it!" Itachi laughed victoriously. "Any more questions?"

Tobi waved his arm wildly. "Ooh, ooh, pick Tobi!"

"Yes, you, little boy! What is your question?" Itachi pointed again.

Tobi clapped happily. "Whose undies are we going to steal?"

There was a cry of "Heeeey!" in the background, as Kisame finally registered Itachi's insult.

Itachi faltered for a second. "Well, as much as I'd like to go steal Sasuke's underpants, I think it'd probably be best we stay away from Orochimaru's "secret" lair. He's probably ticked off about those handbags."

"Then whose underpants shall we steal then?" asked Sasori.

Itachi pulled out the latest character popularity poll (there were moustaches and large eyebrows drawn over all of the people who beat him) and consulted it. "We shall have to steal the person who is next most popular... and that person is..."

A drum roll echoed throughout the cave. Kisame screamed as a sequined show-girl dress appeared on him.

"And that person is... Maito Gai!" yelled Itachi.

Kisame's dress disappeared in a puff of smoke, returning him to normal. The drum roll died in a clatter of half-hearted symbols.

* * *

**Somewhere in Konohagakure...**

"_AAAAACHOOOOOO!_... Haha, I win the sneezing match, Kakashi-kun!"

"Huh, I wasn't listening?"

"Nuuuu! The coolness of Kakashi-kun's reply drains me of Youth Power!"

* * *

**Back at the Akatsuki's Super Secret Lair of Doom...**

"Joking! The person is Hatake Kakashi!" Itachi busted-a-move- fireworks sparkled around him, though the display failed as the stage slightly caught on fire.

"Hey, I didn't know I made third, hmm!" Deidara had gotten hold of the popularity chart somehow. "And Sasori no Danna, you made sixth!"

Sasori gave an uncharacteristic cheer, throwing his arms up in celebration. His towel fell down.

Everyone gasped.

"What?" asked Sasori- he was wearing banana-phone boxers. "I glued my boxers on so they wouldn't fall down. Boxes don't exactly stay on such smoothly sandpapered skin as mine!"

"Itachi made eleventh..." stated Zetsu, turning his attention back to the poll.

"Where am I, where am I?" asked Kisame excitedly, pulling it out of Deidara's hands. He searched down the list, then turned the paper over to the blank side. Kisame had a look of sheer horror and dismay on his face. "I'm... I'm..."

"Not popular, yeah, yeah, we know!" Itachi whacked Kisame over the head and took the poll back. "So, in order to make profit, we will need to steal Kakashi's underpants!"

"Uh, how do we make profit with a pair of underpants?" asked Deidara, wondering if his underpants could equal profit too somehow.

"One word..." Itachi grinned. "One little word that begins with the letter 'F'..."

Everyone gasped again.

"Not... the F-word!" gasped Sasori.

"That's the worst word in the world!" gasped Deidara.

"My leaves burn at the very mention of it!" gasped Zetsu.

"Tobi is too good to die!" gasped Tobi.

"Please don't say it, Itachi-san!" gasped Kisame.

Itachi gave a deep chuckle before he said the F-word... that terrible word that all do cower and hide from.

"Fangirls..."

Everyone gasped again... and then passed out from gasping too much oxygen (Yes, even Sasori passed out although he's a puppet, that's just how bad it was).

Itachi laughed manically. It once again turned into a high-pitched giggle. His plans were just getting started...

* * *

* * *

**A/N: **

**Kita: I think RJ-san has lost it... **

**Sora: Me too... **

**Yanagi: Me too... **

**RJ: Um... well drinking fifteen cups of coffee in an hour will do that to you. And also something else, but I won't go into it. Anyway, hope you enjoyed! **


	2. Naruto Should Get a New Apartment

**Disclaimer: **Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and not me.

**A/N: **

**Yanagi: I swear, one more of these and I'll scream... **

**Sora: Aw, you're so cute when you're angry Yanagi-chan! **

**Kita: Let's just get to the fic before anything bad happens... **

* * *

* * *

**_Chapter 2: Naruto Should Get a New Apartment _**

"And _that_ is how we will steal Kakashi's underpants!" exclaimed Itachi, pointing at a new piece of cardboard on the easel. The diagram on the board consisted of an intricate series of 'x's and 'o's drawn up like a football plan. However, there were so many different lines going symbol to symbol that it was impossible to work out. In the end, it just looked like a two-year old had tried to complete a 'connect the dots' game... and failed miserably.

Everyone tilted their heads, wondering if it made more sense upside-down. It didn't...

"Comrades!" yelled Itachi, suddenly appearing in full camo-gear (bright yellow Hawaiian shirt... it makes no difference). "Let us move forward to Konohagakure to claim the item that we covert so! For it is with this item that all our dreams shall come true!"

The confused Akatsuki members exchanged glances, shrugged, and walked out the door while Itachi was still talking.

"Hey! Wait for me!" cried Itachi, finally realising the room was empty.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in Konohagakure... **

Sakura took a deep breath. This was going to be the hardest mission she had ever been assigned since becoming a chuunin. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could be harder. Her green eyes fraught with determination, she flung open the door and stepped inside.

Naruto's apartment looked like a pig-sty... well, actually worse. She'd had to clean Tsunade's pet pig's sty once and compared to this, it was like a flower garden.

Sakura felt like fainting- the smell was burning her nose hairs and making her eyes water furiously.

Nearby, a pile of garbage shifted and sat up. Sakura twitched and screamed. In a flash she had her gloves on. She punched forward, sending the garbage monster into a wall.

"Ow! What the hell!" groaned the 'garbage monster', peeling itself off of the wall and falling down. Empty ramen cups fell off, revealing a battered and bruised Naruto.

"Naruto?" screeched Sakura, shocked. "But-but! How can you be here! You were just at the team meeting!"

Naruto cracked his nose back into place and rubbed it. He scratched his chest and yawned. "It was too early, so I sent a Kage Bunshin."

"The meeting was at midday! That's not early!" Sakura had a small vein popping out of her huge forehead.

"Eh..." The blonde genin shrugged. He pulled a carton of milk out from the fridge (at least, Sakura presumed the thing was a fridge), and gulped it down. He burped and threw the carton to join its brethren in a graveyard of other built-up milk cartons. "Anyway, what's the newest mission Sakura-chan?"

"If you had been there, you would have known it was to clean your apartment!" yelled Sakura. The throbbing vein had taken over half her forehead. "Tsunade-sama has been getting complaints from your neighbours for the past six months! She said that if we don't clean it up, we'll be getting D-rank missions for the rest of our life!"

Naruto shrugged again. "Meh..."

Sakura calmed herself down; it was time to bring out the big guns. "She also said she'd ban every ramen place in town from serving you."

Naruto gave a half-strangled cry of 'Noooo!'. In a flash he was suited up for action, a handkerchief over his hair, apron tied on, and a broom in hand. "Sakura-chan! We will strive our best to complete this serious mission! Believe it!"

The pink-haired chuunin threw her hands up before grabbing a broom as well. Before they started, she turned to her team-mate. "Oh, and by the way, Sai is coming to help us."

The broom fell out of Naruto's hands. "Nooo!" he cried again. "He'll make fun of me and say I have no balls again! And he'll call you names too, Sakura-chan! Like you're a cow, or you're monstrously-strong, or you're super-ugly, or you're a big-forehead-ed weirdo!"

* * *

**Outside Naruto's apartment building...**

Sai looked up as something that looked like a meteorite crashed out of Naruto's apartment wall and smacked into the building next door. Several tonnes of empty ramen cups billowed out from the hole and rained from the sky, covering the ground like putrid snow.

Sai raised an eyebrow and turned around. "Looks like they won't need my help then," he muttered and quickly shuffled off down the street.

* * *

**Inside the Hokage's office... **

Tsunade heard a loud crash in the distance and woke up with a start. She wiped the drool off of her chin and looked out of her window. A large pillar of dust rose from the direction of Naruto's apartment. Suddenly the wind picked up and blew inside her office. Tsunade felt like she was being choked as a wave of stink hit her. She fell to the ground with a loud bang and held her neck and made spluttering noises. Empty sake bottles flew up into the air as the table fell over, crashing loudly.

"Tsunade-sama! Are you okay? I heard a-" Shizune entered the office and immediately fell to the ground as well, feeling like she was being choked.

The sounds of thousands of people being choked drifted throughout the village as the brown wave of stink wafted over it.

* * *

**Miles away in Sunagakure... **

"Since when did Konohagakure have a smog problem?" asked Kankuro squinting into the distance where Konohagakure was situated.

"My woman's intuition is going off like crazy..." Temari squinted as well before turning to her younger brother. "What do you think Gaara?"

The red-haired Jinchuuriki looked up from making sandcastles. "I think I need more sand. Know where I can get any?"

Kankuro and Temari pointed in different directions, where miles of desert lay all around them.

"Ah, thanks," Gaara replied. He looked down at his sandcastle, then back up at his siblings. "Know where I can get some water? This lacks a moat."

* * *

**Many more miles away at Orochimaru's "secret" lair... **

The doorbell rang loudly to the tune of 'Who Let the Dogs Out?' as it was pressed. The tune echoed throughout the lair.

Orochimaru swore loudly as he heard it and made his way to the front door. "That's the last time I ever let Kabuto pick a tune for the doorbell... or my mobile..." (His mobile had been set to ring to the tune of 'The Ketchup Song', which annoyed Orochimaru to no end. He had quite been enjoying his previous ring-tone of Darth Vader's Theme song)

The Snake-sennin flung open the door and immediately his eye twitched and his face paled (if that was even possible). Hundreds of snake-skin bags littered his front lawn.

"Yeah, you Orochimaru? I got a delivery for ya." The teamster scratched his backside with the clipboard before handing it to the pale man.

Kabuto appeared next to Orochimaru and looked over his shoulder. He gasped. "No! My perfect lawn! Do you know how long it took me to get that perfectly the same length! Orochimaru-sama! Aren't you going to do something!"

When Kabuto looked at his master, all there was left was an empty skin, which flopped to the ground pathetically.

The teamster rubbed his ruddy and dripping nose with a dirty sleeve. "There's sumthin' you don't see everyday- neva seen a bloke get scared outta his skin before..."

* * *

**A few miles away, back in the direction of Konohagakure... **

"Alright, who let one fly?" demanded Itachi, covering his nose.

Everyone looked at Kisame.

"It wasn't me!" cried the Shark-man, ducking as another barrage of kunai flew over his head.

"Sasori no Danna, are you telling me you don't smell that, hmm!" The mouths in Deidara's hands were coughing and spluttering violently.

The puppet-man gave his partner a blank stare.

Zetsu breathed in deeply. "It smells just like my lovely compost pile at home..."

"Tobi eats a lot of bananas for Zetsu-san's compost pile!" Tobi said proudly.

There was a silence as the other Akatsuki members paused to wonder what that could possibly mean.

Itachi coughed when it became awkward. "Let's just get going."

"Can we sing '99 Bottles of Sake on the Wall' while we're walking?" asked Kisame. He began to sing. "Ooooh, 99 bottles of sake on the wall, 99 bottles of sake! Take one down and-"

"No!" yelled everyone, throwing kunai at him.

* * *

* * *

**A/N: **

**Yanagi: -screams- **

**RJ: xx **


	3. Pocky, We Knew Thee Not

**Disclaimer: **Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and not me.

**A/N: **

**RJ: -sneakily puts another chapter up and scampers away- **

* * *

* * *

**__**

**_Chapter 3: Pocky, We Knew Thee Not..._**

"Uzumaki Naruto!" screamed a voice.

Naruto, who was using Kage Bunshins to scrape himself off of the side of a building gave an 'uh-oh' before yelling at his clones to work faster.

When he finally was able to pull his leg free he turned to his clones once more. "You guys gotta help me! Cause a distraction or something before the old woman gets me!"

The Naruto clones exchanged uneasy glances with each other. Suddenly they turned around and jumped onto a conveniently-placed road before getting squished by a conveniently-timed steamroller.

"Naruto! Where the hell are you!" screeched the voice again.

The orange-clad ninja froze and looked at the ground where a puddle of blood had been left by his clones. There was a low thud and the puddle of blood rippled slightly. Slowly, the thuds became louder and faster and the blood splashed about like a storm.

The thuds stopped and Naruto turned. At the end of the street was a very angry and very blood-thirsty looking Tsunade.

Naruto let out an eep and began to run.

There was a monstrous roar and Tsunade took off after him down the street.

Naruto, too afraid to turn to look behind him, pulled out a kunai and used its reflection to see. Naruto noticed on the bottom of the kunai the words 'Objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear' were engraved. The genin's eye twitched as he caught sight of a pair of infamous objects on Tsunade's person. Naruto didn't want to stop to find out if the kunai was true and continued running.

Just a few minutes ahead, a line of small school children were crossing the road. The plump lollypop lady smiled in a grandmotherly way as she held her stop sign and herded the children across.

"Ahhhh!" came a scream.

The lollypop lady turned, wondering what the commotion was. An orange blur was running down the street towards her and the school children. The lollypop lady held her sign out.

"You have to stop!" she yelled. "There are still people crossing!"

"I caaaaaaan't!" replied the orange blur. "Out of the way!"

"But there are people still crossing!" yelled the plump lollypop lady. The figure just screamed and continued ahead.

The lollypop lady decided to take action! As the person appeared she swung her arm out, clothes-lining him.

Naruto was flung onto the ground and was pummelled by the lollypop lady's stop sign.

"There!"

whack

"Are people!"

whack-whack

"Still!"

whack

"Crossing!"

whack-whack-whack-whack

The children cheered as their favourite plump lollypop lady delivered the final blow- a body slam...

Several seconds later, Tsunade ground to a halt besides the crossing and looked down at the barely identifiable orange smear on the road. She looked up at the lollypop lady.

"Thanks Doreen," she said, scraping the thing off of the road.

The lollypop lady smiled. "Always happy to help, Tsunade-sama!"

"I don't think I'll ever quite understand why you quit as ANBU captain, Doreen." Tsunade stuffed the orange smear into a smelly gym bag. She waved to the lollypop lady and started back to her office.

* * *

**Elsewhere in Konohagakure... **

"Kakashi-kun!" yelled a voice full of youth.

The silver-haired jounin's eyebrow twitched as his eternal rival leapt and landed on the ground before him and flashed a smile. The beam of light reflecting from his teeth was so bright a nearby building caught on fire.

"What is it now, Gai-kun?" asked Kakashi with a sigh.

"I have just come back from my dentist who is full of youth and blazing glory! Yosh!" Gai struck a pose that blinded several conservative grandmothers nearby.

"You're still doped up on anaesthetics, aren't you Gai?" Kakashi noted a slight bit of drool coming out of Gai's mouth. "That or you were staring down the dentist's shirt while she was fixing your teeth..." Kakashi scratched his chin. "Probably the first, I'm still not sure where your priorities lay."

The Magnificent Green Beast of Konoha was silent for a few seconds, silently crying over his rival's youth-draining response. He recovered though and struck another pose. "Kakashi, my eternal rival! I propose a new challenge to recover our youth!"

Kakashi yawned. "What's that?"

"The challenge shall be- washing! Yosh!" exclaimed Gai. "We shall meet at the Laundromat in twenty minutes with all of our washing, as well as our student's washing! And then we shall see who can complete their washing first! And if I do not complete or I lose this challenge, I shall..." Gai paused, thinking of something relevant. "I shall give you my prize training outfit so that you may wear it and increase the Springtime of your Youth!"

Kakashi's one visible eye had a look of sheer horror as his rival leapt away, teeth gleaming and building catching alight.

* * *

**A few minutes later inside the Hyuuga compound... **

Neji scratched his backside and yawned as he made his way over to his desk (which looked like those ones you see models and celebrities put their make-up on infront of). He sat down on the stool and grabbed a brush.

"Damn tangles..." grumbled Neji, wondering if a buzz cut would ever work on him.

There was a soft shuffling sound behind him. Neji leapt up, brandishing his brush like a kunai. However, there was nobody there- just an open window and his closest ajar slightly.

Neji curiously made his way over to the closest, brush still in hand.

"Hands up!" yelled Neji, holding the brush like a gun.

Suddenly he gasped. Every single piece of clothing in his closest was gone! Wait... no... not all of it. There were still a couple items of clothing left up the far back of his closest. Neji went over to them to see.

Outside, a large "Noooo!" echoed throughout the Hyuuga compound.

* * *

**At the daily Team Gai meeting a few more minutes later... **

"Pssst..."

Tenten blinked and looked around. She couldn't see anyone.

"Pssst!" A stick bonked Tenten on the head. "Hey!"

The dark-haired girl looked up into the tree and screamed. "Neji!" exclaimed Tenten, pointing with wide eyes.

"Shhh!" Neji crawled out of the tree, making sure nobody was around. He rounded the trunk and Tenten gasped.

Neji was dressed like a pirate... puffy shirt and all.

"What the hell happened!" asked Tenten in a hushed tone. "Why are you wearing that!"

"I... I had no choice... Somebody stole my clothes." Neji went red with embarrassment... or anger... Tenten couldn't tell.

"Wait, somebody stole your clothes too?" asked Tenten.

Pirate-Neji blinked. "Eh? But how come your clothes are so normal then?" He looked at her clothes.

"Oh, yes Neji... going around dressed up as Chun-Li is really normal!" fumed Tenten, waving a hand with a large spiked gauntlet on her wrist. "The only thing I had left was my Halloween costume from the other year!"

"But I think you look awesome in that..." mumbled Neji.

Tenten went to yell again but blinked. "You think I look awesome?"

Neji blushed and nodded.

The two stood in silence for a few seconds, petals falling down around them... before suddenly a foot came out of nowhere and smashed into Neji's face.

"Take that, pirate! You shall not be kidnapping any fair team-mate of mine! Yosh! Though I am without clothes, I shall still protect her!" Rock Lee landed and took up a fighter's stance.

Tenten looked at Lee... Neji looked at Lee... Tenten looked at Neji... Neji looked at Tenten...

Neji and Tenten screamed... and then ran away like death was on their heels.

* * *

**Elsewhere, not too far away... **

"Tobi, what is that?" asked Zetsu as his minion quietly munched on something.

"Tobi found a box on the side of the road and found yummy stuff inside!" exclaimed Tobi, holding up the box.

Zetsu took the box and read it. "_Pocky_..." Suddenly he sensed he was surrounded and looked up.

"Did you say, Pocky?" asked Itachi, red Sharingan eyes staring.

"Mind sharing it with us, hmm?" asked Deidara.

"Is it 'Pocky for Men'?" asked Kisame.

"Aww, but Tobi wanted the last stick!" cried Zetsu's subordinate.

"Last one!" yelled Itachi, Deidara, and Kisame, leaping on the venus fly-trap man.

Sasori caught a small stick-like thing as it flew out of the struggle. He studied it for a brief second before taking a bite and eating it. He munched it carefully before he remembered something. "Oh, that's right... I don't have a sense of taste."

* * *

As the Akatsuki members left the scene, a small shrine lie set up on the side of the road. On it there was an inscription:

_Dear, sweet Pocky... you met a tasteless end... _

* * *

* * *

**A/N: **

**Yanagi: Oh yes, that ending was _so_** **very witty... **

**Sora: Well I liked it –munches on Pocky- **

**Kita: Pocky! –eats- **

**Sora: Nuuu! **


	4. Yes, that is Troublesome

**Disclaimer: **Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and not me.

**A/N: **

**Sora- I dread this chapter... **

**Yanagi- I'm so glad I ordered a bomb shelter before all this... **

* * *

* * *

**_Chapter : Yes, that is Troublesome _**

"What is with you youngsters today!" demanded Doreen the lollypop lady, stomping her stop sign on the ground and walking away from a smear on the road that vaguely resembled a pirate.

"Neji!" gasped Tenten, crouching down beside her team-mate. She poked him with a stick for a few minutes.

"Did someone catch the licence plate of that UFO?" asked Neji groggily.

"Tenten! Fear not, for the Beautiful Green Beast of Konoha is coming to save you!"

Tenten turned around and screamed. Without waiting another second, she rolled up Neji, slung him over her shoulder and continued to run. "Somebody save me!"

* * *

**Not that far away...**

Shikamaru stared up at sky whilst he leant up against a building. It was a lazy day and he was a lazy chuunin. The pair got along fine. However his attention was grabbed as he saw a pirate, a Chun Li, and a naked Lee streak past.

Shikamaru blinked.

"How troublesome," he mumbled before going back to cloud watching.

"Shikamaru!" yelled a voice. Ino ran over and whacked him over the head. "You bum! Didn't you get the message! We're supposed to be at an emergency team meeting!"

"Eh... meeting? I didn't hear anything about it..." The spiky-haired boy yawned.

Ino glared at him. "Don't you ever check your mobile!"

Shikamaru blinked. "Mo...bile?"

Ino whacked him over the head and pulled a mobile phone out of his chuunin vest. "Yes! The one you get when you become a chuunin!" She grumbled as she noticed it was out of battery. She pulled a fresh one out of her leg pouch and placed it in Shikamaru's. Immediately the phone started to beep like crazy. Ino pressed a button and went silent.

Shikamaru felt nervous suddenly.

"You... have one million unread messages..." said Ino quietly.

Shikamaru backed up slowly.

"One... million..." breathed Ino, her voice like poison.

* * *

**In Sunagakure...**

"I didn't know Konohagakure was under nuclear attack," said Kankuro, squinting into the distance where a large mushroom cloud rose.

"For once, my woman's intuition isn't tingling..." Temari squinted as well. "If anything, it's saying 'Hell yeah!'" She turned to her little brother. "What do you think, Gaara?"

Gaara was munching on something square.

"Gaara, what is that?" asked Temari. "And where did you get it?"

"I decided to make my own lunch today," Gaara replied, looking at the thing in his hands. "Are you supposed to make sandwiches with sand in the middle or with sandpaper on the outsides? Because I went with both..."

* * *

**Back in Konohagakure... **

"Hey, Ino," Chouji waved as his blonde team mate walked over. "Did you find Shikamaru?"

"I sure did..." spat Ino, throwing a char-grilled chuunin on the ground.

Shikamaru's pineapple hair was smouldering.

Chouji stared down for a minute, mouth gasping open and closed like a fish.

"Ahem, Chouji? Have you got a question?" asked Ino sweetly, giving Shikamaru a good kick in the backside.

"Uh... no, I'm fine." replied Chouji stepping back a little.

"Ah, we're all here? Good," Asuma appeared next to the trio. For once, the smell of smoke didn't appear with him.

Ino raised an eyebrow as her sensei pulled out a red lollipop and began to suck on it. "When did you quit smoking?"

Asuma glimpsed around uneasily. "Since some guy from some company said that smoking in front of kids was wrong. He took out a pair of scissors, cut my cig in half, and then told me that wouldn't be the only thing he would be cutting unless I quit."

Ino looked confused, though Chouji and Shikamaru (who was now back to normal for some reason) shuddered.

"Anyway," Ino's blue eyes shifted around wondering what the guys where acting so weird about. "What's today's mission, Asuma-sensei?"

Asuma pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. "Hm, let's see..."

* * *

**A little bit later...**

"Why do _we_ have to clean up a mess that Sakura and Naruto made!" screamed Ino from under a gas mask. The surrounding streets had been evacuated due to a severe health risk... and there were rats...

Chouji gave a high-pitched scream as a rat ran over his foot.

Shikamaru got off-track as he started to do Darth Vader impressions with his gas mask. He tapped Chouji on the shoulder. "-gasp- -wheeze- _Chouji... I am your father!_"

The Akimichi screamed again and dived into a mountain of ramen cups to escape. Unfortunately, he "escaped" into a rats' nest.

Needless to say, Chouji wasn't very happy.

Ino sighed and continued to clean.

* * *

**In the Hokage's office...**

"I can't believe you two!" exclaimed Tsunade exasperatingly. "All I asked was for you to clean up the mess in Naruto's apartment and now we've got a potential village-wide evacuation pending unless we get it cleaned up quickly. I've been getting reports from all over the country that plague-sized rat packs are making a pilgrimage here!" She sighed. "Do you know how much chaos that could cause?"

"Uh... no?" replied Naruto and Sakura, both hanging upside-down from the rafters.

"Well, for one thing, the Akimichi clan have a huge fear of rats. Now you imagine millions of rats, and now what damage the Akimichi clan could do on top of that."

Naruto and Sakura shivered.

"Exactly!" Tsunade rubbed her temples and took a swig from a sake bottle. "And frankly, that's something I don't want to have to deal with. The screams alone would deafen people." She slammed the bottle down on her desk. "So what am I supposed to do with you two now?"

"Uh, let us go?" suggested Naruto optimistically.

Tsunade flicked Naruto in the head, sending him flying back and forth and hitting the ceiling. She swapped her glance to Sakura and raised an eyebrow.

"Uh... Give us some horrible mission?" asked Sakura meekly.

"Bingo!" Tsunade took another swig of sake and held up a clipboard. "A shop called 'The Bag Boutique' came around about an hour ago to report that they had been unpaid by a client. Said client refused to pay for a thousand snake-skin bags of the highest quality. On further inspection of said client, we found that they had been dodging paying their taxes for the past forty years."

Naruto gave a low whistle. "That'd be enough money to pay for all the sake you go through in a month!"

Tsunade flicked Naruto in the forehead again.

"Tsunade-sama, um, who is the client?" asked Sakura, trying her best to not incur her teacher's rage.

"As it so happens... it's Orochimaru..."

Naruto and Sakura froze and screamed silently.

Tsunade glared at them. "It'll be your job to infiltrate Orochimaru's so-called "secret" lair. Here's a map," She stuffed a piece of paper into Naruto's still gaping mouth. "When you have infiltrated Orochimaru's lair, you are to apprehend him and his accomplices and bring them back here for questioning."

"But-but... it's Orochimaru!" protested Sakura. "You can't send me and Naruto off after him! He'll kill us as soon as we ring the doorbell!"

Tsunade smirked. "Oh, I wouldn't be too worried... And anyway, I'm sending another team with you, who you'll meet at the Konoha gates. Oh, and I'm sending an extra team-mate with you as well."

Naruto looked excited. "Ooh, who is it? Is it a cute kuno-"

The door opened and Sai walked in. "Hello, Tsunade-sama! I'm here like you..." He looked over at Naruto and Sakura, still dangling upside-down. He smiled fakely. "Why, hello No-balls and Sakura-cow!"

Sakura and Naruto growled and wiggled as they tried to bite his arms off. Sai stepped back, just out of their reach.

Tsunade sighed, taking another swig. "Now, unfortunately you'll be going alone with this other team. For some reason I have been unable to locate any of the jounin sensei lately..."

* * *

**Not too far away in the Laundromat...**

"Come now, Eternal Rival! Where is your Youthful Spirit!" yelled Gai, shovelling clothes in by the bucket-full.

Kakashi grumbled and picked up a pair of Naruto's boxers with some tongs. _I'm probably better off burning these than washing them..._

"I'll bet you dinner that Gai wins," said Kurenai, sitting just nearby.

"Alright," agreed Asuma, continuing to suck on a lollipop.

* * *

**On the road to Konohagakure... **

"How long does it take to get to Konohagakure anyway?" asked Itachi.

"Didn't you have the map?" inquired Sasori.

"I thought Deidara had it," replied Itachi.

"I thought Zetsu had it, hmm..." said Deidara.

"I thought Kisame had it," shrugged Zetsu.

Everyone turned to Kisame.

"Uh... I thought Tobi had it..." Kisame winced.

"Imbecile!" shouted Itachi. "Everyone knows how much Tobi likes to eat maps! We'll have to take him to the vet now!"

Tobi burped. "Tobi loves geography... though it makes Tobi feel ill..." He went green-ish.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" screamed Kisame, running from a barrage of shuriken.

* * *

* * *

**A/N: **

**Kita- This isn't going to get any better... **

**RJ- You got that right... **


	5. Dogs are People too

**Disclaimer: **Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and not me.

**A/N: **

**Kita: Dogs! I hate dogs! **

**Sora: No big surprise there really, cat-girl... **

* * *

* * *

**_Chapter 5: Dogs are People too... _**

Hinata knocked over her cup of tea as her mobile rang. She pulled it out of her pocket and answered it.

"Woof!"

The Hyuuga heiress blinked. The person on the other end of the line was... barking? Suddenly it dawned on her.

"Akamaru-kun!" exclaimed Hinata. "Uh... how are you using the phone?"

Akamaru gave several more barks followed by a growl.

"Is this like charades or something?" asked Hinata.

The dog on the other end gave a yip and said his message again.

"Uh... okay... oh, um... don't tell me! Kiba's fallen down the well again?"

There was silence followed by a low groan of a growl. The phone hung up.

"I was wrong...?" Hinata asked the silent phone. Suddenly it beeped as it received a message. Hinata read it. "'Emergency team meeting at the front gates- find Shino and bring him along.'... Uh... I didn't know dogs know how to text..."

She shrugged, too confused to question any further. Quickly, she picked up her bag and ran towards Shino's house. Fortunately, it wasn't too hard to find (there aren't too many houses out there that are shaped like a bee's hive and crawling in bugs thick enough to scare away most exterminators).

Hinata knocked on the door, trying her hardest not to squish any bugs in the way.

"...yes?" asked a voice behind her.

Hinata screamed and jumped around- Shino was standing a few inches away from her face. He pushed his sunglasses up his nose.

"It is impolite to scream in a friend's face," he commented. "It shows you have no trust in them... also you scream loud enough to wake the dead."

Hinata was on the ground having a small heart attack. She recovered and stood up. "Uh, Shino-kun... did you... get a strange message on your mobile?"

"Mobile?" asked Shino, pulling his out. "I did... I must have missed it ringing with all the buzzing in my ears." He tipped his head to the side and shook out a stream of bugs from his ear.

Hinata shuddered. "Uh... Shino-kun... should we go see what the meeting is about?"

The Aburame member nodded and the two walked out to the main street.

* * *

**Near the front gates...**

Akamaru barked ecstatically as Hinata and Shino approached.

"Where's Kiba-kun, Akamaru-kun?" asked Hinata worryingly.

The dog tugged on Hinata's pants for them to follow him. The trio ran over to a nearby café where Kiba was stuffing his face. Akamaru barked at him to get his attention.

Kiba looked up, the remains of a meaty bone hanging out of his mouth. He pulled it out and waved when he saw his team-mates. "Hey guys! What brings you here?"

Hinata looked down at the pile of bones laying on the table. "Uh, Akamaru-kun phoned us... he also sent us a text message..."

Kiba spat the bone out as he howled with laughter. "Haha, good one, Hinata! Akamaru's a dog, he can't ring, let alone text!"

Akamaru sighed and nibbled poshly on a bone. Somehow he'd gotten a napkin wrapped around his neck.

Hinata and Shino stared.

Kiba threw his bone onto the pile and scratched behind his ear. "So, why are you guys here again?"

"We were informed of an emergency team meeting. We are supposed to go to the gates." Shino replied coolly.

"Eh... team meeting? So we finally get a mission at last, everyone seems to forget about us." Kiba stood up. "Alright, you guys go ahead, I'll meet you in a second."

Hinata and Shino nodded and continued on towards the gates. Behind them, Kiba was stuffing the leftover bones down his jacket.

When he left to run after them, there was a neatly folded napkin and some cash left on the spot where Akamaru had just been.

* * *

**At the gates...**

Hinata fainted suddenly as they approached the gates. Shino and Kiba exchanged glances.

"Naruto..." they both mumbled, rounding the corner and dragging Hinata behind them.

Naruto sneezed and looked around. "Oh, hey guys!" He waved.

Sakura turned around as well, ending her session of staring daggers at Sai as he drew calmly. Sai snickered as he drew a chibi-fied version of Naruto being crushed under his foot and screaming for mercy.

"Eh, what's that you guys are dragging?" Naruto went around behind Shino and Kiba. "Funny looking ba-, oh hello Hinata!"

"Eep!" Hinata fainted again just as she blinked her eyes open.

"She's not going to be like this for the entire mission, is she?" asked Sakura worryingly.

"I hope not," Sai commented. "That'd be quite a burden."

"Nobody asked you, punk!" retorted Sakura. She recomposed herself and settled her hands on her hips. "This is going to be a horrible mission. Not even a senior shinobi to supervise us... we're going to die."

"Die from what?" asked Kiba.

"Orochimaru!" Naruto yelled, throwing his hands up. "We're going to go collect tax from him."

Shino, Kiba and Hinata fell silent (well, Hinata was out of it so she didn't really fall silent in the first place and Shino was always quiet... ah, never mind...).

"If we as a group can not organise ourselves into a manner that fits, then we will not find peace in our valued journey," said Shino, ever the voice of reason and confusion.

The others went 'eh?' at his words.

"We need a captain," he said simply.

The others went 'oh...' at his words.

"I'll be captain!" Naruto jumped up volunteering. "You can just call me Naruto-taicho!"

"Idiot!" Sakura whacked the blonde over the head. "You're still a genin, we outrank you!"

Naruto whimpered. "Not fair..."

"Alright," Sakura pointed a hand forward out of the gates. "I volunteer to be captain."

There was a soft sound of protest through the group (or maybe it was just Hinata waking up and fainting again...).

"Does anybody have a problem with that?" asked Sakura in a sickly sweet voice, turning around. Darkness seemed to flare around her.

"No..." The boys shook their heads.

"Wonderful!" Sakura smiled and clapped her hands together. "So, let's go then!" She walked out the front gate cheerfully.

Sai looked down at his sketchbook and quickly added a chibi Sakura under the crushing foot with Naruto.

"So," asked Naruto, poking at Hinata with a stick. "Um... what are we going to do with her?"

"I guess just leave her here," shrugged Kiba, propping her up against the gate.

Together the boys walked out the gate after Sakura.

"Woof!"

They turned around and all eyebrows were raised. Akamaru wagged his tail and trotted forward with a rickshaw connected in a harness to his body. Hinata lay peacefully in the main part of the cab behind him.

The boys stared as the dog came over.

"Whoa!" exclaimed Kiba. "Good dog! Are you going to tow us there?" He went to get up into the main part with Hinata.

Akamaru growled threateningly and barked, hackles raised. He jerked the vehicle forward, making Kiba tumble out and fall onto his backside.

"I think he means to use your own feet, slacker," Naruto did his squinty stare.

Akamaru barked and wagged his tail again. He quickly trotted forward to catch up to Sakura. He stopped beside her and barked.

"Oh, you want to give me a ride?" asked Sakura.

Akamaru wagged.

"Oh, you're so sweet!" Sakura bent down and hugged the dog tightly, kissing him on the forehead and ruffling his fur. She climbed into the chair and settled down.

The dog cocked his head towards the gaggle of boys and gave what looked like a smug grin. He continued on down the road, leaving the boys confused and jealous.

* * *

**Outside the vet's...**

"This is so embarrassing..." grumbled Itachi.

Zetsu jerked the leash behind him, dragging Tobi along. His subordinate had a large white funnel wrapped around his head.

"Is this all the screen-time we get?" asked Kisame, effortlessly breaking the forth wall. "Sweet, nobody threw something at me this time!"

A whale came flying out of the air and landed on the man, squashing him.

"Sasori no Danna!" exclaimed Deidara. "I didn't know you could summon whales! Where did you get the blood for that anyway if you're a puppet, hmm?"

"I didn't summon it," replied Sasori.

"Woof!" A small white poodle sat in the path and wagged its tail. Quickly it scampered away, leaving a few drips of blood on the ground.

The Akatsuki members all shot confused glances at each other.

* * *

* * *

**A/N: **

**RJ: Hehe, whales are fun! **

**Until next time! **


	6. Not once is the word glomp said here

**Disclaimer: **Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and not me.

**A/N: **

**RJ: Mwaha, the most awesome chapter eva! **

**Sora: You spelled 'Mwaha' wrong... it's 'Mwuahahaha'. **

* * *

* * *

**_Chapter 6: Not once is the word glomp said here _**

Tenten paused as she ran in front of the Laundromat. Neji flopped off of her shoulder onto a heap on the ground.

"Gai-sensei!" Tenten entered the shop.

"Tenten! My excellent student! How wonderful for you to pass by and watch our Youthful Challenge!" Gai waved enthusiastically, shovelling more clothes into the washing machine.

The girl went pale white as she saw what her teacher was putting into the washing machine next. "Are those... are those my underpants?" she squeaked.

Gai held up a something white. Kakashi became distracted and looked up, clothespin on his nose. Asuma and Kurenai had disappeared somewhere together before Tenten had walked in.

"Yosh! Why, yes they are!" remarked Gai, placing them into the washing machine and closing the front door of it. The machine creaked uneasily, making Tenten step back nervously.

"Uh, Gai-sensei... it, um we'll talk about this later..." Tenten edged out the door and grabbed Neji by the feet. Suddenly she vanished down the street.

Kakashi eyed the washing machine. It creaked in a strained way. "Gai-kun... I need to step outside for a while and find a bathroom."

"But you're losing the challenge Eternal Rival!" Gai grinned. He pulled out a coin and placed it into the washing machine. The machine started to groan noisily as it started up.

Kakashi suddenly vanished into thin air as well.

* * *

**Somewhere close by... **

"Tenten, my poor team-mate! Where has that horrible pirate taken you?" cried Lee as he ran up and down the streets. Crowds screamed and scattered like Moses parting the Red Sea as Lee streaked past in the nude.

Needless to say, half of Konohagakure needed intense therapy and memory suppression afterward.

"Tenten!" yelled Lee, screaming like a hero who lost his best friend.

There was a loud explosion down the street and from the sky fell articles of clothing. Something white fell on Lee's face as he screamed up at the sky.

"Huh? What's this?" asked Lee, pulling the object off of his face.

It was a pair of white panties.

Lee blinked, mouth gaping and eyes beginning to sparkle. However, before he could say any more a piece of washing machine flew down from above and smacked him in the face, knocking him unconscious.

"It was probably for the best," muttered the lollypop lady, lowering her stop sign (she had just been about to whack Lee over the head herself). She wrapped Lee up in a sheet that conveniently fluttered down and dragged him towards the Hokage's office.

* * *

**In a galaxy far, far away... or at least somewhere on the road to Konohagakure...**

"My feet are killing me!" groaned Sasori loudly.

"You're a puppet, Sasori... you don't feel _anything_, unlike us," replied Itachi grumpily. "Is there someplace we can rest?" he asked, scratching his neck sorely.

Deidara pointed ahead to a large building whilst looking down and squinting at a crumpled and dirty map inside a see-through zip-lock bag (don't ask people, don't ask). "There should be places to rest inside that building, hmm."

The Akatsuki members made their way towards the building. As they went, they semi-noticed a group of girls dressed up in matching maid outfits and wearing animal ears. They also passed a man with a blue suit on with a large clothed cross-shape next to him. He tapped a cigarette and raised an eyebrow at the group.

"Nice costumes," he commented before picking up his cross like it was made of Styrofoam and walking off.

Tobi whimpered slightly. "Tobi's Tobi-senses are tingling!"

"Quiet, Tobi." ordered Zetsu. The last time Tobi had said his 'Tobi-senses' were tingling he had to go to the bathroom after eating the map... and that hadn't exactly been the highlight of the day for the Akatsuki.

The group swung open the doors of the building and entered. They were met with a very curious scene- hundreds of people in strange outfits like outside running around to booths, taking photos, and staring up at television screens that blared music and bright colours. The Akatsuki looked around confusedly.

"ITACHI-KUN!" screamed a multitude of voices at once.

Itachi stood no chance as a hoard of squealing females leapt onto him.

"Gah! Shniizzigle!" came muffled cries from someone under the pile.

"I got his pants!" screamed one girl.

"I got his headband!" screamed another.

"I got his bra!" screamed yet another.

"Uh..." The other Akatsuki members all exchanged glances and edged away from the mountain of moving fangirl-affection. As of turning around, however, they were faced with the unthinkable... even more fangirls.

"Deidara-chan!"

"Chan, hmm? Chan, hmm! Noooo!"

"Sasori-kun!"

"Hey, get back here with my arm!"

"Zetsu-kun!"

"Stop pulling at that! It's not supposed to come off!"

Kisame closed his eyes and opened his arms. Any second a wave of fangirls would pounce him sending praises his way.

After waiting and receiving nothing he opened his eyes. A small nerd in glasses raised an eyebrow at him.

"I give you 2 out of 10 for effort," he said. "But that skin tone is way off- fakest thing ever." He moved off, carefully sidestepping the other piles of fan-worship that lay about.

"Aww, Tobi is such a good boy!" squealed a couple of girls, patting Tobi on head and hugging him.

Kisame's bottom lip quivered. "Even Tobi got fangirls... Nobody loves me!"

"Hey, awesome costume." said a voice behind Kisame.

The shark-man turned around... only to be faced with... himself!

"Uh, oh, hey... wha?" blabbered Kisame, wondering if Itachi had put a genjutsu on him.

The shorter Kisame giggled. "I said nice costume." The other Kisame battered their long eyelids. "I was afraid I'd be the only Kisame cosplayer here. I know it's funny for a girl to be cosplaying someone like him, but I think he's so adorable."

"Uh... girl?" Kisame's eyes wandered down. He blushed and looked back up.

"Is there something wrong with that?" asked the female Kisame, pouting.

"Oh, no! Of course not!" Kisame waved his hands madly. "You look just like me! Just that you're a girl an' all..."

"Oh, well thank you!" smiled the female Kisame. "You know, your costume is really accurate! You must have spent hours on it!"

Kisame scratched his neck, still blushing. "Uh, um, yeah! Hours!"

"Well, it's really good." She started to walk away, though before she did she looked over her shoulder and winked. "See ya later, cutie."

Kisame waved dopily with a love-struck goofy face as she left.

"Kisame, you imbecile! Save me from this hoard of banshees!" screamed Itachi, attempting to claw his way out of the pile.

"My legs! Somebody stole my legs!" cried Sasori, naught but a torso and head on the ground.

"Stop that! I'm a guy! A guy!" yelled Deidara, slowing inching up a pole to get away from a hoard of arguing fangirls (and guys) below.

Muffled yells came from Zetsu as he hid inside his venus fly trap. A trio of girls were standing next to him.

"He's ignoring us!" said the one with bunny ears and dice on her head.

"This guy is so boring, nyo!" yawned a girl with green hair and a cat-eared hat on.

"Very boring, nyu," agreed the smallest, with brown hair and a yellow and brown-striped hat.

Tobi was sitting across from a girl with long ivory hair and strange plastic ears. They both stared at each other curiously.

"Chii...?"

"Tobi!"

"Chii...?"

"Tobi!"

* * *

**Somewhere on the road heading _away_ from Konohagakure...**

"How long until we get to Orochimaru's "secret" lair?" asked Naruto, feet dragging along as he walked beside the cart.

"Hm, not too long now." replied Sakura. "Maybe an hour."

"Great, only one more hour until we're all killed!" moaned Kiba. He pulled a gnarled old bone out of his jacket and chewed on it- a nervous habit of his.

"Hey, maybe it won't be that bad," Sakura had an equally worried face though.

"We'll be killed and then that creepy Kabuto will turn us into lab experiments!" cried Naruto, flinging his arms up. "I bet you he's trying to turn people into zombies!"

"Zombies? I love zombies!" said Shino suddenly. Everyone looked at him, glaring. Shino quietened back down. "This is why I don't speak much..." he muttered.

Sai chuckled as he quickly sketched a comic of Naruto and Sakura being munched on by zombies.

"Eep!" squeaked something.

"What was that?" asked Naruto, spinning around with a kunai in hand.

"Just Hinata fainting again..." replied Sakura, sighing.

"Why does she keep doing that?" Naruto raised an eyebrow at the fainted form of Hinata.

"Oh, I wonder, Naruto... I wonder..." Sakura rolled her eyes. The sooner they got to Orochimaru's to be killed, the better. She didn't want to have to endure another full trip back with these morons.

* * *

* * *

**A/N: **

**Kita: Kill me, kill me now... **

**Yanagi: Aw, I wish _I _was at the anime convention... I wonder how much Itachi's pants would sell for on EBay? **

**RJ: Not once is the word 'zombie' said in Night of the Living Dead either! . **

**Hope you had fun! Leave a review! **


	7. By Your Powers Combined!

**Disclaimer: **Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and not me.

**A/N: **

**RJ: I miss old cartoons from the 90s... **

**Sora: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the win! **

* * *

**_Chapter 7: By Your Powers Combined! _**

Itachi gasped for breath as he finally clawed his way out from amongst the pile of screaming fangirls. His face twitched as he noticed he was stripped down to his boxers (sporting his name printed in fancy font on the backside). He spotted a group of girls fighting over his cloak.

Sneakily he placed a genjutsu on them and stole his cloak back (he chuckled darkly, having made the girls think that each other was Itachi. They were now gathering a crowd as they tore at each other's clothes). He turned around, wondering where the rest of his comrades had gone off to.

"Brother!" yelled a group of voices.

Itachi froze and turned. Behind him was a large army of Sasukes, many of them large and muscled. Itachi blinked, wondering if his eyes were on their last legs.

"I will kill you!" screamed the Sasuke clones, running towards him. "Revenge! Revenge!"

Itachi's eyes twitched before he took off for the door.

"Itachi-san!" shouted Kisame, spotting his partner screaming like a girl. "Don't worry, Itachi-san, Kisame the Brave will save you!"

The blue-skinned man picked up a nearby Ed cosplayer and threw him at the Sasukes, making them collapse like dominos.

"Get this squirt off me!" yelled one of the Sasukes.

"Squirt? Squirt? I'll show you squirt!"

Kisame blinked as the small blonde-haired kid started tearing into the Sasuke clones, dispatching them into the air. He hadn't expected that to work so well...

"Kisame, you imbecile! Hurry up and get out of there!" Itachi screamed furiously.

"But what about the others?" asked Kisame, looking around the hall- Sasori was currently strewn around the place; his head was currently being thrown around like a ball by a group of three small girls.

"This beach ball is funny, nyo!"

"Very, nyu!"

"I'm not a beach ball!" cried Sasori.

Kisame suddenly side-leapt between the girls as they threw the "beach ball", catching it in his arms and continuing to run, picking up the rest of Sasori. He had to wrestle one of his legs away from a guy dressed as a priest, who was stroking the leg lovingly.

"Noo, that leg was going to belong to my next wife!" he yelled as it was taken away. He was whacked over the head by a large boomerang. The man turned around and blushed. "Though, you have a better backside, Sango!" He fell to the ground, whacked unconscious by the woman.

Kisame panted and ran over to Zetsu, prying open the man's venus fly trap. He dumped Sasori's parts inside and threw the Grass-nin towards the exit before moving on.

Deidara wriggled up the pole further as the arguing fans tried to pry him down to answer the "great question of Deidara's gender".

Suddenly the pole began to shake and Deidara screamed. He looked down and sighed in relief; Kisame was attempting to chop the pole dow-...

"Oh shi-" he worded as the pole came crashing down onto the ground. Fans scattered everywhere as it did.

Kisame heaved the pole with Deidara on it onto his shoulder and ran outside as fast as he could. He breathed a sigh of relief as he dumped the pole on the ground, accidentally squishing Deidara under it.

Itachi's eyes had gone red... well, although they were already red... ah, you know what I mean. He looked around angrily. "What the hell was that?" he demanded.

"I thought we were trapped in one of your Tsukiyomi!" replied Sasori, trying to screw his head back on.

Itachi's face twitched as he heard a far off cry.

"ITACHI-KUN!"

"REVENGE! REVENGE!"

The Uchiha pointed a finger out in a dramatic pose. "Battle stations! Ready the Mecha-tsuki!"

The others traded worried looks at each other.

"Itachi-san, we don't have a 'Mecha-tsuki'," replied Kisame informatively.

"We...don't?" asked Itachi, eyes filling with tears as he looked at his partner hopefully.

Kisame shook his head. Suddenly he received a punch to the face.

"Alright then... FIRE!" yelled Itachi, pointing his ring at the crowd. Nothing happened. "FIRE!" He shook his hand.

Still nothing.

"Itachi-san... we're not Planeteers, you-" Kisame started to say, until he received a kick to the head.

"Noooo!" The cries of Itachi's shattered dreams were cut short as the mass of Sasuke look-alikes and Itachi fangirls came pouring out of the convention hall.

"Itachi-kun!"

"Revenge!"

Itachi screamed and began to run, the rest of his comrades in tow...

"Are we forgetting something?" asked Kisame.

* * *

**Back at the convention...**

"Oh, oh! Mr Tobi! Pick me!"

Tobi rubbed the chin of his mask and pointed into the crowd. "Yes, Tobi acknowledges the pretty girl with red hair!"

The girl squealed. "Who's your _favourite_ pairing?"

The masked man thought for a second before answering. "Tobi would say Itachi and Kisame because they work very well together!"

There was a collective squealing throughout the crowd of girls before the table.

"And what do you think about Sasuke and Naruto, Mr Tobi?"

Tobi shrugged. "Tobi thinks the two got along very fine until Sasuke left for Orochimaru."

The girls in the crowd gave a collective sigh of disappointment before going 'ewwww, Orochimaru!' If Tobi was able to read, he would have seen the sign out the front saying _Yaoi Panel_.

* * *

**STILL on the road to Orochimaru's... **

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

* * *

**In a cave as far away from the convention as possible...**

The Akatsuki were finally pulling themselves back together as they hid in a cave (Sasori being the prime example there).

Itachi was glaring at his ring angrily and secretly sulking.

Kisame was having an active argument with the others over the subject of "what if they _did_ have rings like in _Captain Planet_'.

"All I'm saying is that if my rings were one, I'd be water!" said the shark man. "I mean, it _is _obvious that I would be. And Itachi-san would be fire because of his family background."

"Fine, if I can't be fire I'd be earth then, hmm!" retorted Deidara, the inner pyromaniac in him angered.

"No, Zetsu would be earth, Deidara," replied Sasori, pulling his head back on and applying vigorous amounts of superglue.

Zetsu was still throwing up bits and pieces of Sasori's body.

"Sasori no dana! How can you say such a thing?" demanded the blonde, pulling off a saliva-soaked toe out of his hair. "You know I'm from the Earth Country! It's like saying Shakespeare painted the Mona Lisa! Zetsu should be Heart!"

"Did someone mention food?" asked Zetsu suddenly. After being stared at for a second the others turned back to their conversation.

"I think you would be wind, Deidara," commented Kisame.

"Wind!" shouted the earth-nin furiously. "Are you joking, hmm? Wind sucks!"

Sasori suddenly stood up, wobbling on one leg. "Wind is an awesome element!" he yelled back, taking the insult as against his old village. "Haven't you ever seen that Temari chick in action?"

Kisame drooled. "Oh, I'd so hit that..."

"No you wouldn't!" Itachi whacked him over the head, having recovered from his sulking. "She wouldn't go near you in a steel-plated suit of armour! Besides, that Tsunade is much hotter!"

The rest of the Akatsuki stared at him for a minute, looks of shock, horror and disgust on their faces. The all turned back to look at each other.

"Sooo... let's get this straight. I think I have it worked out anyway," said Kisame, ignoring his partner going to the corner to sulk again. "I'd have Water, Itachi-san would have Fire, Deidara would have Wind, Zetsu would have Earth... and that only leaves Heart."

Everyone looked over at Sasori.

The puppet glared at them. "Oh, right, stick me with Heart because that's the only body part I have left!"

"But who would we end up summoning, hmm?" asked Deidara. "Captain Planet is a good guy. We're the baddies, hmm."

"How about that Anti-Captain Planet?" suggested Kisame.

"Oh, that'd work," nodded Deidara. "How would we be able to make sure we summon him and not the good Captain Planet though?"

"No idea," replied Kisame with a shrug. "Employment office? He hasn't been around lately, you know. I stopped seeing him on TV back in the mid-90s."

"IDIOTS! HE DOESN'T EXIST! HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?" screeched Itachi, running out of the cave in tears.

"Cheh... what's his problem?" asked Sasori irritably.

"He's just mad because he didn't get Wind, hmm!" answered Deidara, kissing his ring.

* * *

**A/N: **

**Yanagi: -eye twitch- **

**Kita: Heeeh... that really went downhill fast... **

**RJ: By the way, I introduced the Mechatsuki scene a bit earlier on my DeviantART account... I even have someone drawing one too! **


End file.
